maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
