Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
