if you like me you must not know who I am
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that