I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
