Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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