Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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