Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You ate ashes out of my bong
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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