He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
