This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
