The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
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i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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