I will die if light touches me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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