Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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