Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
why do cheetos always look like penises
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
