Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
