I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
