I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
