can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wish my penis had a tongue
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
