If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
