I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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