I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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