i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
