I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
