i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
