two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
