I need help removing her.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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