his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm getting married
To pizza
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
