it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It all started with a game of naked twister.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
