I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
