Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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