I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
my liver is dry heaving
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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