Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
