there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
