Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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