I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
sarcasm needs its own font
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
