upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
