Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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