All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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