she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
