It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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