low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
