3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
