Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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