Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
