I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
50% drunk capacity currently
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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