The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is this the sara with the beer cane?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
