hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
