i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
