if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
