idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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