My sheets look like a crime scene.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
