I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
