My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
