when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
