I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
porn star boner night. come get it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
