I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
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Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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