I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
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Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
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It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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