suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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